There Is No Second Chance

Source

My baby had fallen asleep. They say ‘to sleep like a baby’ for a reason. It is indeed a blessing to sleep like her; oblivious to what is happening around her. But I know she will wake up and pounce on me with many questions. Innocent doubts, blabbering, silly question, but too complex to answer!

The bus has reached a long way from where we started and it was getting crowded. We got a window seat in the end. Far away from the chaos of the bus and its commuters, tucked inside our own space where we can communicate freely. My husband was sitting somewhere in the front, next to an old man listening to his gibberish talks. Time and again he looked towards us, nodding his head asking if we are fine. 

The bus halted with a jerk waking up my baby. She began to stretch and show signs of uneasiness. I tried to put her to sleep, but she was adamant.

“Where are we going? We have been in this bus for a long time and I don’t like this anymore!” she grumbled.

“I already told you baby, we are going to a wonderful place, where you can play and get lots of friends, and we will reach there soon”, I lied. For the umpteenth time. To her, to myself. The place where we are going to drop her is not a fairy land but scary and unpleasant. And yes, she can find many friends there; babies with the same fate.

“But why you want to send me away? You said you love me na”, she asked looking straight into my eyes.

I averted and looked outside. I didn’t have an answer for that question. Yes, I do love her. So do her dad, but we can’t help but make this decision. There is no justification for selfish deeds but only repentance later.

“We love you, so much. But this is for your good. You can’t stay with us now. We can’t afford anything for you now. You can be with us after a few years, promise”, I assured her. Or am I assuring myself?

We were nearing our stop. I held her with both my hands in a tight grip. She had fallen asleep again and it was better to part when she is not awake. We got down at the stop and walked towards the building. He held me close to his body and kissed my head. I smiled. I know how much this parting is tough for him and how much he had objected. But I was firm on this. This is the right thing to do now.

We cleared the necessary formalities; I could see that his hands were shaking when he signed the documents. He kissed our daughter, our sleeping angel for one last time. I could see that she was angry with us even in her sleep. I looked at her and felt her gripping me firmly. Sweat beads forming all around me and I could feel that I was gasping for breath. One last look at our daughter, I promise you baby, We will come back for you. I let go her hand, her body.

When I woke up to consciousness, I could see that he was holding my hand. I got down from the bed and he held me to his chest. “She is gone”, he muttered. Yes, she is gone, forever. It was as simple as that. Aborting our baby was selfish and brutal but simple, I replied.